I Wonder

I wonder what it would be like to go to bed and be asleep within minutes instead of lying awake for an hour and sometimes two even with medication.

I wonder what it would be like to sleep all night long without waking once rather than waking multiple times per night.
I wonder what it would be like to walk fast. I mean, do you realize how fast you actually walk? Yesterday after my dr. appointment we stopped at Wal-Mart to get some pictures developed. We paid for our purchases back at the photo counter and before mom finished she said “You might as well get started heading out front!” She finished paying, walked the length of the store, loaded the groceries and pulled up to the door within a minute of me reaching the door. =)
I wonder what it would be like to go a whole day with no pain.
I wonder what it would be like to socialize with the youth again. I haven’t been able to do much socializing since school started last year because I had to conserve my energy for school.
I wonder what it would be like to swap shopping stories and deals with the younger generation “I LOVE those shoes! You say they’re on sale at Rackroom? And don’t you know, I just got this bonus check from my school!”  rather than “cane tips” with the older generation.  “Yeah, when your cane hits a puddle of water, it can be bad! You just really gotta watch where you’re going! Now I know it’s not winter right now but when it gets icy here’s what I do…”
I wonder what it would be like to be sick and not have my mom to take care of me. She gets up at all hours of the night, keeps track of my meds, massages my aching muscles, makes numerous phone calls and keeps the doctors hopping. I think of my dear friend Arlene, who no longer has her mom, and I am grateful!
I wonder what it would be like to not have the support of my family right now. To have no little brothers to cheer me up and “little, big” brother to take care of me. To have no sisters to do my share of the work and fill me in on what’s new; no dad to help figure out financial stuff and to be the strong, steadying factor in the upheaval of our family life.
I wonder what it would be like to have no church to depend on for advice, to give emotional strength, and to give support in countless practical ways.
I wonder what it would be like to have no one on the other side saying “You’ll make it! Don’t get to used to that cane, because you won’t need it much longer!”
I wonder what it would be like to receive no letters, texts, emails, and phone calls of encouragement from friends and family.
I wonder what it would be like to have no God to carry me through.
A friend sent me this song and it’s been running through my head the last several days;

I don’t know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day,

I don’t borrow from its sunshine for its skies may turn to gray,

I don’t worry o’re the future, for I know what Jesus said,

And today I’ll walk beside Him for He knows what is ahead!

Many things about tomorrow, I don’t seem to understand,

But I know who holds the future, and I know who holds my hand!

Wow! What a comfort! I’m awed that Jesus cares enough about the details of my life to walk with me through them!
I’m scheduled to have the PICC line put in on Friday Morning at 8:00. We’ll start the antibiotics on Wednesday the 28th. I also have an appointment with the neurologist at 9 AM on Monday the 26th.

My doctor in NY is saying 3 months minimum on the PICC line. It could be up to a year. I’m supposed to be symptom free for a month before I go off the antibiotic. Thankfully we found a generic form of rocephin at a non-profit pharmacy for chronic diseases, for a fraction of the cost of rocephin. My Dr. says it will work fine and it’s so much more affordable! My Aunt Connie (an LPN) is willing to help out with changing the bandaging and administering the antibiotic and whatever else comes! Bless her heart! That will save a healthcare nurse from coming out and I’d much rather have her than anyone else! =) I will still need to go in for weekly blood draws to monitor things. Dr. R says I’m going to feel like a pincushion! =)
Thanks for caring!!


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