A Seizure Again

God, please not a seizure again! I’m so weary. I thought that was in the past.

Sunday afternoon I had a hard seizure. The first in two years that wasn’t triggered by anesthesia. It began with just jerking.

I took Valium at the first signs but the jerking slowly got worse. “I think this one’s gonna be a real one,” my sister Rozi said.

And so we sat waiting for it to play itself out.

It was interesting to watch my family’s reactions. Of course we laughed, what else could we do? But they were, as always, very supportive, doing what they could. And every one was very calm. =)

Alex came into the living room and asked “What are you shaking for?”

“I’m having a seizure,” I told him.

“A ‘seeser’? He said with a puzzled look on his face. That brought a laugh.

Joe was here. Bless his heart, he saw first hand what Lyme can do.

“I don’t mind these jerking ones so much,” I said “It’s the twisting ones that are so painful.”

Soon after that, it escalated into the painful, twisting kind.

Now I’m exhausted. I’d forgotten how painful and tiring it is to recover from a seizure.

Ever since my Grandpa died I’ve been rather jealous of him. He has no more pain, he needs no more pills or needles. He’s been healed. Last Thursday night as I struggled to breathe, I thought of how young I am and the many years stretching out in front of me. I thought of the many more flares those years would include.

Then I began thinking about something else, How long should a person fight for healing and when is it time to give up? I do want to live, but at what cost? When is it working against God’s plan to spend thousands of dollars to get well? When should you stop putting your body through procedure after painful procedure?

I think of my kids at school, I can give them a good start in their education, (as long as I don’t make a habit of this month long medical leave of absence stuff!) I can reach out to other young people with chronic illness, and I can educate others about Lyme. There are things I CAN do. If I’m being given this chance, I want to give it everything I have. I want to make those thousands of dollars worth spending.

But I do still wonder, when is it time to stop fighting? What do you think?

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4 thoughts on “A Seizure Again

  1. Andrea~ It makes me so sad to know that you have these thoughts,but ones that I know firsthand,as they are my thoughts as well at some point or another in living with lyme over the last 17 years. But this I can tell you for sure is that ABSOLUTELY YES,it is worth fighting for! You will NOT always be in this state,I promise because I have been where you are minus the siezures. I was bedridden at one point many years ago….but this weekend I rode my horse for 2 hours & afterwards, went to my cousins on the SAME day and I drove a 4-wheeler for another 2 hours! It was a BEAUTIFUL day & I had all the energy that I wanted & enjoyed the day!
    You are most definitely worth every penny that has gone towards your care…you will give back in educating others in the classroom,as well as about the effects of lyme & how to minimize exposure…you WILL be a beautiful wife & mother if you like…the possibilities are endless for you(:
    Don’t forget too,that you were abrubtly stopped form your IV meds & didn’t have the chance to wean down to orals….you will beat this back down & find the balance that you need to live your life & get back to the things that brought you joy.Embrace the good days,but don’t “OVERDO” & on the flairs,just ride them out,knowing that they WILL subside again & lessen in frequency,until one day,you will no longer be interrupted by them.
    One day there will be a cure & until then,we just tread water & wait.It takes a strong person to live with lyme,as well as the family that loves the person afflicted,but there is nothing that you can’t do, it is all about balance & you will get there again…this I know for sure!
    XOXO,
    Melinda

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  2. So sorry you have to go through all this Andrea. Let me just encourage you to take your Grandpa’s example, fight it till there is no more strength to fight. You have a Heavenly Father that knows and sees all your pain and wants to see you joyful and content above your circumstance. You are strong,you are a fighter,you are doing great according to your your sense of humor coming out in so many of your updates. I am so thankful that you have a supportive family that walks with you through all these times. I will continue to pray that God will give you the strength you need moment by moment. Hold tight to His hand…….
    Love you girl!

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