God, please not a seizure again! I’m so weary. I thought that was in the past.
Sunday afternoon I had a hard seizure. The first in two years that wasn’t triggered by anesthesia. It began with just jerking.
I took Valium at the first signs but the jerking slowly got worse. “I think this one’s gonna be a real one,” my sister Rozi said.
And so we sat waiting for it to play itself out.
It was interesting to watch my family’s reactions. Of course we laughed, what else could we do? But they were, as always, very supportive, doing what they could. And every one was very calm. =)
Alex came into the living room and asked “What are you shaking for?”
“I’m having a seizure,” I told him.
“A ‘seeser’? He said with a puzzled look on his face. That brought a laugh.
Joe was here. Bless his heart, he saw first hand what Lyme can do.
“I don’t mind these jerking ones so much,” I said “It’s the twisting ones that are so painful.”
Soon after that, it escalated into the painful, twisting kind.
Now I’m exhausted. I’d forgotten how painful and tiring it is to recover from a seizure.
Ever since my Grandpa died I’ve been rather jealous of him. He has no more pain, he needs no more pills or needles. He’s been healed. Last Thursday night as I struggled to breathe, I thought of how young I am and the many years stretching out in front of me. I thought of the many more flares those years would include.
Then I began thinking about something else, How long should a person fight for healing and when is it time to give up? I do want to live, but at what cost? When is it working against God’s plan to spend thousands of dollars to get well? When should you stop putting your body through procedure after painful procedure?
I think of my kids at school, I can give them a good start in their education, (as long as I don’t make a habit of this month long medical leave of absence stuff!) I can reach out to other young people with chronic illness, and I can educate others about Lyme. There are things I CAN do. If I’m being given this chance, I want to give it everything I have. I want to make those thousands of dollars worth spending.
But I do still wonder, when is it time to stop fighting? What do you think?